Ultimate Approval
Oh, the joy of being seen, the special pleasure that comes with being recognized. We all know the score and relish when the tally is in our favor, or the spotlight shines on our hard work and turns it into a moment of glory. Those moments can now be broadcast across the globe—tonight—thanks to the You Tube sensation. Soon MTV and untold innovations in the cyber metropolis on the Internet will be poised, ready and waiting, to shoot your rising star into the limelight.
Time magazine’s Person of the Year for 2006 was… drum roll… “You!”
MySpace, Tribe.net, Zaddzz.com, the list goes on and on. Social networking sites abound. You don’t have to wait to be discovered by Entertainment Tonight or bide your time until one of Oprah’s producers shows up at your door with a crew. And if you are not interested in the limelight yourself, YOU get to vote on which aspirant is most deserving. Look at the right to vote on American Idol; the idea that everybody counts and everyone has a say in what’s what is spreading like wildfire.
What’s it all about? What does this say about you… and about us?
We all want to be seen and recognized for who we are; in fact, we not only want it, we need it. Social acceptance and recognition are cornerstones in our self-concept and vital to a positive identity. We thrive when looked at with high regard; every kindergarten teacher knows this, and yet even obtaining a doctoral degree does not make the need obsolete.
In a world that pushes us to accomplish more on a daily basis—to complete unrealistic to-do lists and take in more images and information bits than we ever have before—the human dimension of seeing and appreciating each others’ unique gifts can shrink. That river of kindness and care between individuals, the simple act of listening and expressing gratitude for one another, can dry up and leave us with an unnamed thirst.
Our biochemistry stabilizes when we are listened to and heard. Empathy is a healing force in and of itself. And yet a society that is constantly on push-mode runs roughshod over our vulnerability in this respect. When individual accomplishment is a society’s highest value, alienation is often the downside. We are, after all, social creatures who thrive when we have a sense that we belong. To the degree we lack this vital sense of belonging, our isolation and alienation aches to be addressed.
Perhaps this explains the growing fascination with getting in the limelight and grabbing that coveted 15 minutes of fame. American Idol, reality TV, and You Tube all feed into the collective thirst for belonging. But does that 15 minutes of fame really quench our deep thirst? Or is it a substitute for the real thing—a deep soul connection that satisfies our true longing to be embraced in all of who and what we are. For many a fame- and attention-seeker the need to grab the limelight is a symptom of a much deeper malaise.
A powerful practice that can break isolation and heal the place where we are alienated is expressed in the bumper sticker that says: Practice Random Acts of Kindness. This is the most basic and available means by which we can each be the change we want to see in the world.
Next time you feel impatient or angry toward a stranger, experiment with forming a new habit. Notice the times when your knee-jerk response is one of annoyance or frustration. Notice the tendency to assume ill-will on the part of another and to respond in kind without much thought. Challenge yourself to let go of any and all negative interpretations of another’s behavior and give people the benefit of the doubt.
For example, next time someone cuts you off on the freeway, watch your reaction closely. Do you automatically shout,“You jerk!” Does your response pre-suppose that he has done this to annoy you rather than considering perhaps that he has made a simple mistake? Perhaps his act was not the threat your survival mind would have you believe. Perhaps he simply did not see your car as you were in his blind spot when he went to change lanes.
The survival instinct exists to protect us, of course, but we all know that at times it can go overboard. In addition, what we often don’t realize is that when we react with anger or annoyance toward another, we also hurt ourselves.
This can gives you a new—and, in a sense entirely selfish—motivation for practicing kindness. When you judge or are unkind toward another, the damage to other is secondary to the damage you do yourself. That’s right, you hurt yourself with judgment because the ill will is occurring in your mind. Think about it. You judge another harshly, you zoom in on their faults, tally up the score and decide they have in one way or another failed or lost. What have you gained? A sense of superiority perhaps? A boost in your confidence at the expense of hers? And what is the state of your mind? Are you full of love and peace and understanding?
Let’s try another tack just as an experiment. Next time you catch yourself judging someone, shift your attention and focus on what is beautiful or skillful about that person. Zoom in on the little details that can be celebrated and encouraged. Offer that person your approval with your eyes. See them in the highest light possible. Now take note of the condition of your mind.
You have just tapped into what I like to think of as the river of Ultimate Approval. You have within your heart and mind the ability to quench that deep thirst and the best way to start is to simply approve of another.
