The Truth About Breakups
THE TRUTH ABOUT BREAKUPS
BalanceMagazine, Winter 2008
The dream of love and “happily ever after” has slipped through your fingers. You wonder if romantic notions would best be erased from your mind altogether. After all, this is not the first time a break-up has left your heart in shambles and your outlook as grey as the sky in Seattle. Whether your break-up involves untying the knot, packing and moving, kicking him out, or changing your orbit, breaking up happens in stages.
Being the one who initiates the break or finally
steals enough resolve to let go can spare you the more unpleasant
stages of shock and disbelief that come when you’re caught aware. But
even when you are the one to leave rather than the one left, grief and
loss come into the picture. At one of my seminars in New York, Sandy
tearfully told the audience that she felt “as if the pain would never
end.” I helped Sandy find deep reserves within herself that took her to
a peaceful place beyond the pain. If this is your first time through
the gauntlet, you may even think you’re going to die. When your friends
say,“This too will pass,” you may want to fire them. However, their
words are quite true. The brain circuitry that has your one and only
dialed in to the center of your universe will actually shrink over time.
Good News, Bad News
The
good news is, love itself has not failed. Neither have you.
Relationships end or change their shape all the time. Most people go on
to love again after a break-up or divorce. And most people have a
friend who understands, so lean on those folks at this time. Your love
nature may feel battered and bruised, so let it be soothed by platonic
friendships and enduring bonds.
The bad news is, some of us go on to love again too soon. In so doing, we often set ourselves up to repeating the same old pattern and to once again get crushed. This is the danger inherent in the rebound. Victoria came to one of my workshops in Virginia Beach to begin her recovery from not one, not two, but three back-to-back failed relationships. With a little work, Victoria saw the root cause of her repetitive behaviour and how to avoid it in the future. When a new relationship sweeps you off your feet, the ground that could have been gained through self-reflection can be lost. The key to gaining ground through a break up is the same key that leads to growth in all areas of life: be honest with yourself and own your part.
Dead-Ends and Through-ways
Although it’s not uncommon to blame others, a blaming stance toward your ex does nothing to strengthen you. Blaming yourself does not move you forward either. The blame stage may serve a function, however, as it can provide the psychological leverage we need to break it off. You’ll do well to recognize this stage as a dead-end because ultimately, blame goes nowhere. The way through is to see what happened as just what happened, to tell the truth about it and make a choice. For most people, the clearest choice comes straight from the gut. Listen in.
Another dead end stage is depression, not to be confused with the sadness and grief that come with loss. Depression is the mind-numbing, motivation-killing, joy-erasing state that finds you disinterested in activities you formerly enjoyed. Sudden weight gain or weight loss is also a symptom, as is fatigue or lack of energy, and too much or too little sleep. Feelings of worthlessness, excessive guilt, and difficulty making decisions or concentrating can also be signs of depression if they interfere with your life and continue uninterrupted for more than two weeks.
This condition requires action. Whether you decide to self-treat with diet and exercise (the best natural anti-depressant around) or go another route, it’s a good idea to discuss these symptoms with your doctor.
Other stages you might encounter include: denial (It’s not really over, I’ll win him back), bargaining (If you promise not to [name your poison] I’ll be the one for you),despondence (I just don’t care about anything anymore),loss of faith (Life is too hard, love never lasts), and recklessness (I’m quitting my job and moving to Barbados).
Sooner or later, you will enter the stage of acceptance. This is the sign that you are ready to move on.
The Single Life: A Boon or A Bore?
The thought of being single may make your toes curl. You may be tortured by images of spinsters and crones whose only companion is a lapdog or Burmese cat. Take heart, research has shown that while men fare better in terms of longevity when they are married, women with a husband do no better than women with a four-legged, warm-blooded pet. (In other words, your goldfish won’t do.)
All that said, the experience of being single might very well make you blossom in ways you’ve never dreamed. Now is the time to engage in a bit of balanced risk-taking. In other words, strike out in a new direction, and yet err this side of reckless abandon. Your recent relationship, whether short in duration or long, surely showed you a few new sides of yourself. Which of those sides did you feel good about? Which do you need to do some work on? Before you rush headlong into Internet dating sites, take a hiatus from relationship life altogether and get to know yourself anew.
Find out what makes you happy. Who are you really when not defining yourself around someone else. As women, it is very easy to orbit around the man in our lives. What if the only sun in your world were you for a season or two? Get to know yourself well and deeply. Trying to find yourself in another person rarely works as a long-range plan.
A New Future
Being single puts you in the enviable position of having your free time and attention available to mine your own depths. Take up a course of study you’ve always been interested in. Join the gym and get back in shape for the sheer joy of it. When you feel good about yourself and are in the flow of what interests you and brings you delight, you’re in a far better position to team up with someone suited to you. Remember Sandy? I heard from her a year after our first meeting that once she let go and turned her attention to her favorite hobby, photography, she made friends with another photo hound and ended up in a great relationship. Until you know who you are and what you want, you’re not in great shape to meet someone. If you’re in a state of self-doubt and your inner landscape is covered with weeds, it’s likely you will attract someone who will meet you where you are rather than where you want to live.
You deserve and can have a relationship that really works and fulfills you. Make a pact with yourself to get your insides completely attuned during this time alone. Remember: happiness is an inside job. A woman who is happy with who she is, who’s in love with her life and at home in her skin is absolutely magnetic. Rather than beating the bushes to find a man, that special someone could very well come along and stumble into you.
