Failure Is Good For The Soul
We all know what failure is and it’s not something that is desired or valued by our society. We desire success, in all its forms and incarnations – personal, professional, political, physical and, of course, financial. We’re always competing for something: getting a better job, better grades or degrees, winning awards, a bigger home, newer car, winning in sports, winning American Idol, winning the lottery, or beating the odds at whatever, whether it’s a personal challenge or a crippling disease. When we can’t compete directly, we choose teams or individuals to root for, whether it’s sports, politics, or the Oscars.
It is thrilling. The adrenalin rush, the drama, the hum of strategic thinking and tactical action. But you can’t have competition and winning without failure. No matter how much we like to talk about win-win situations, failure is simply a part of life. For most of us, an unwelcome part. Why is that? Why do we feel bad when we fail to accomplish something, don’t get everything done we want or don’t achieve certain tasks by certain times? Why all this pressure?
We all have daily, weekly, or, at least, monthly failures. As an author and speaker, I’ve certainly had my share of opportunities pass me by, opportunities I wasn’t able to capture. But each time a door doesn’t open, I see it as an incredible stimulus to go after more doors. If I don’t get what I want, I don’t see it as a failure, but rather a chance to improve, advance, or follow a better path I might not have otherwise seen.
I don’t equate failure with inadequacy. It’s really a matter of perception. In fact, I do not use the failure because, too often, it completely misrepresents reality. Many situations that we think of as failures are not failures at all. We make a lot of assumptions that control our happiness and outlook on the world. So, if we don’t know the full story behind an event, the reasons for someone’s actions or the real background of someone’s apparent success, we really cannot judge ourselves or others and assign a grade of success or failure to our experience. I tell my clients,“you may feel inadequate because you tried so hard and it fell apart and perhaps you need to surrender to the larger plan.” It doesn’t matter what “it” is – a relationship, a job, or a social event. Maybe a person isn’t the right mate for you, maybe the job is not the right fit, and so on…
So, how do we live with and learn from what we perceive as failure?
The first step is to be thankful we have it at all. Failure is good for us. It teaches us the deeper values of life: humanity, patience, tolerance, balance, wisdom and acceptance. When we let it work its magic, it makes us stronger, smarter, more successful and more loved. When we fight it, it can crush us and all our dreams.
Next, we need to get rid of the dualistic perceptions in our Western society: this whole thing about good and evil, right and wrong, black and white, beautiful and ugly, success and failure. At the end of the day, it’s not that clear cut. It’s all relative – not all success is true success and not all failure is true failure. A failure can be success in disguise and vice versa. It all depends on the context and the situation.
I’ll give you an example. In my first career, I was an attorney. One of my first professional experiences was speaking in front of an appellate court. That was very unnerving. I went all prepared, but at the moment of delivery, I completely froze. I was told later that I looked out the window for more than several minutes. So, here are all these important judges and a full galley of people and I’m in total silence looking out a window. You can imagine this didn’t feel like a huge success. But that experience helped me to learn to master the art of being more comfortable speaking in a public setting. I had to experience the worst and see there was nowhere to go but up.
Apparently, defeating experiences teach us to let go of all the things we want so much and so fervently. Letting go, we see how much more actually comes into our lives, because it is free to come in.
Another way to deal with feelings of failure is to focus on your successes. We all have different abilities. For an example, a friend of mine is great with languages. She can go live in a country for three months and when she comes back, she is fluent. I have another friend who’s the complete opposite – he’s lucky he’s mastered one language, as he says. But he doesn’t consider himself a failure. That’s just who he is. Some people can sing, others dance, some paint, while others solve abstract mathematical problems. Comparing yourself to others doesn’t work and can make you feel less than stellar.
Life is not about success and failure, but about diversity, exploration, and learning. It’s about traveling your journey and being accepted for who you are as an individual, a person all your own, unique. So, the next time you’re going in for an interview, on a date, or running a marathon, remember this:
You are like no one else in the world. Appreciate yourself for your qualities, focus on your own successes.
