Deborah King appeared on KTVI Fox News in St. Louis, Missouri, last week to talk about public liars: the signs of lying, how lies come back to haunt us, and how to be more honest with ourselves.
You can watch the clip here.
Body Language of Obama and McCain
Yesterday’s meeting of Obama and McCain revealed interesting body language. Obama had his legs widely crossed, he lounged back in his chair and angled his body toward McCain, all of which signified openness and a high level of ease. McCain, on the other hand, seemed pretty ill at ease. That’s not a criticism — any of us would feel the same. His legs were crossed very tightly (more like a woman’s), he sat up ramrod straight and his body was angled straight ahead, not at Obama. All of this simply demonstrates that we can’t hide how we really feel to others — our bodies speak louder than words.
DEAR HILLARY
March 10, 2008
It’s time to take a good long look in the mirror—beyond the neatly pressed pantsuit—deep into the source of your current behavior. When you shake your finger at Obama, use sarcasm and other verbal weapons of aggression, and put out 3 a.m. ads based on fear, which Hillary is really speaking?
It’s the little girl who learned from her father that men are powerful and women are weak. And you certainly don’t want to look like a weak woman. Your dad was reputed to be not only verbally abusive, but also a “lady’s man,” much like the one you married—a man who showed his wife and family little respect. You honed the survival skills developed by many of us women: subterfuge, shrewdness, the ability to put on different facades, fake charm. Being yourself wasn’t an option.
It’s the young woman who learned that in order to succeed in law school she had to amputate all that was feminine: your compassion, your intuitive abilities, your heart. Like you, I graduated from law school in 1973, and I learned the very same lessons. It was hard dealing with the male professors (there were few female ones), who tended to ignore or put down the less than 10% of us who were women. I wasn’t going to succeed in that venue unless I became more male, more aggressive, more quick-witted than any guy in the room. Clearly, it was the same for you.
It’s the wife who learned from your marriage to Bill that women are there for his pleasure, to be humiliated and mistreated. We were all right there with you in your humiliation. By the way, Bill doesn’t seem the same these days as he did before his heart surgery; he’s tired and cranky and mean. He also seems to have some real mixed feelings about you being the top dog instead of him. He still wants to be “the man,” not the house-husband (even if the house is the white one). Yet you listen to his advice, and to the advice of others who advocate dirty politics.
As you look into that mirror, dive deep into the feminine truth you could reveal to the world, the one that showed up in your “valedictory” moment at the end of that debate with Obama. The moment when your warmth came through. What would happen if you campaigned on your real strengths—your tenacity and experience, your sharp intellect, as well as your hard-earned life knowledge as a woman and mother—instead of showing you can push that damn button like any man.
Do you really want to buy votes through fear? Do you really want to use the same tactics as Bush?
You know, it’s okay to show your feminine side—the caring and compassionate and nurturing side. We won’t think you’re weak. It’s just your male advisors who are afraid of that. You could set a whole new template for women, especially women like us—those of a “certain age.” Those of us who grew up believing they had to present to the world someone different than who they really are.
Come back from the dark side, Hillary. Drop the old baggage, stop reacting in an old habitual way to perceived threats, and stand tall in the light. You can do it.
Truth in the Workplace
August 3, 2007
Be Truthful With Your Boss Without Getting Fired!
Your co-worker is driving you crazy! He spends most of his time playing poker online, then hints to the boss that it’s your fault when the work isn’t done. If you go to your boss to complain, you’ll look like a whiner. Or worse, maybe you’ll be fired for being a troublemaker!
You dropped the ball and lost an important client. Maybe you accidentally deleted some vital files, or did something that makes you fear you’ll be fired – should your boss ever find out. Or maybe it’s your boss who’s giving you problems. He’s talking over you when you make a presentation to a client and making you feel like two cents. Can you tell him how that makes you feel, or do you think you need to swallow your emotions in order to keep your job?
Telling the truth takes courage, whether it’s confessing to your own mistakes or trying to reach an understanding with your boss. Telling the truth in the workplace doesn’t mean being nasty or brutal, coming in with both guns blazing to clean up the wicked ways of the town. It does mean some serious preparation on your part and learning how to set up a “safe” situation in which the truth can be told.
Say you’re feeling disempowered by your boss. She’s making your life miserable, yet you’re scared of telling her how you really feel. Your entire time at work is being affected, and possibly your own health is at risk. You’ve got to do something, but what? How can we be true to ourselves and still keep our job?
First, sit quietly and contemplate the situation. Is it really your boss who is the problem? Or have you simply been too “polite,” withdrawn into a shell of acquiescence, so your boss doesn’t know what you’re actually capable of doing? Prepare what you want to say, and be ready to say it in the least offensive way possible. Write down every word and keep reading it out loud until you can say it very calmly. If you deliver your message in an emotionally-charged way, your boss is much more likely to get defensive… and we know where that can lead.
You don’t want to dump on your boss, client, co-worker, or yourself, but you do want to create a space for him to really hear where you are coming from. Help your boss understand how his actions and words, which may not have meant anything to him, have affected you. Most importantly, you want the boss to feel included in coming up with the answer to the problem rather than just being told what you think should happen. Creating a safe space means finding a way for open, authentic conversation to take place. If your boss feels attacked or ridiculed, you’re dead meat.
So, you can do it – you can tell the boss the truth if you create a safe space, feel well-prepared and emotionally calm and centered. And still collect your paycheck.
How to be Optimistic with a Cancer Diagnosis
June 19, 2007
When I was diagnosed with cancer, my first reaction was the normal one: fear. Oh my god, I’m going to die! The first reaction is always fear. Hey, it’s scary. And you’re in shock. Then comes denial. This can’t be happening; there must be a mistake. Then anger. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Blame. The government should have banned DDT sooner. It’s all the pesticides and plastics… And self-blame. I knew I should have had more pap smears. Mostly, there’s confusion—a jumble of thoughts racing around your brain at a million miles an hour. How did I get it? Could I have prevented it? And biggest of all: What’s going to happen? Will I die? Be disfigured? On and on and on…
First, don’t assume the worst. Cancer is not a death sentence these days.
Second, get more than one professional opinion.
Third, do your research and make a list of all the options, including both traditional and alternative ones. Explore visualization, acupuncture, spiritual counseling, prayer, homeopathy, herbs and diet. Consider combining treatment modalities.
It’s important, right from the very beginning, to treat not only the physical problem, but also your emotional and psychological health. Realize you’re going to need a lot of support from family and friends, and possibly from professional therapists. Keep a journal as a way to express your feelings. Know which people in your life can listen to you with an open heart and no judgment. If you don’t know anyone, your doctor can usually recommend a support group.
Breathe! And ground. Reconnect to Mother Earth. We need Mother Earth to heal. Go outside. Walk barefoot on the lawn, the beach. Pet the dog. Listen to the cat purring. Eat lunch on the porch. Meditate under a tree. If for some reason you can’t get outside, take a bubble bath and release your emotions into the water (do that anyway).
The biggest mistake people often make is they believe that they are the diagnosis. Whenever someone comes to me having just received a cancer diagnosis, the first thing I say to her is: Cancer is nothing more than a part of you that has forgotten who it is. It’s a part of us that has gone astray, and all we have to do is reconnect and reintegrate that part.
The second biggest mistake is not getting enough rest. Your mind is in torment—blaming yourself, not seeing any way out, panicked. Without a good night’s sleep, your mind is even more prone to head into fearful territory. Find a way to get some rest, even taking sleeping aids if necessary. If you’re not already a practiced meditator, don’t try to learn now. Instead, try listening to relaxation tapes, like those of Louise Hay.
When we suppress our emotions, we block the free flow of our own healing energy in our body. If we also get mad at God—this isn’t fair! Why me?—we lose our connection to our higher Self. The seventh chakra closes down and we lose our access to the place that knows the answers, that already knows how to heal.
Instead of suppressing emotions like fear, anger, resentment, and rage, express them: cry, scream, beat a pillow, go to the beach and scream into the waves – let those emotions pass through you and into the ground.
Find a daily ritual that works to help you find your center—that place inside where you’re always okay, no matter what. Set up an altar with things that remind you of what’s important in your life—pictures of your kids, pets, spiritual teachers, religious icons, etc.—and sit there for ten minutes a day, appreciating what you do have. Gratitude is an important part of healing.
Read inspiring books, go online and find people who beat cancer, watch videos that make you laugh, get some exercise and fresh air every day, watch sunrises and sunsets. Don’t isolate yourself. Connect to Mother Earth, connect to your higher Self, connect to positive people, organizations, and communities.
Music, books, and audio CDs can help you get through this time. The Journey Through Cancer, by Jeremy Geffen, MD, is an excellent guide to integrating conventional and non-traditional physical, psychological, and spiritual approaches to cancer. Peace, Love and Healing: Bodymind Communication & the Path to Self-Healing,by Bernie S. Siegel is another.
Check out the CDs that are available at www.soundstrue.com and www.HayHouse.com such as Cancer as a Turning Point, Volume II; Cancer: Discovering Your Healing Power,Louise Hay; The Power of the Mind to Heal,Joan Borysenko, Ph.D.; Deep Rest,Tom Kenyon; Heal Yourself With Sound & Music,Don Campbell.
A cancer diagnosis is really a call to transform yourself. It’s an opportunity to change your lifestyle, to change the things you’ve probably needed to change for years. Thank your body for inspiring you to make the changes you’ve been putting off— process old hurts and angers, work through the old lies and let truth be your healer. At the same time, move toward a better diet, exercise, friendships, a healthier living situation, so that when the cancer is gone, you have a healthier, happier you!
May 10, 2007
I am here in South America working with John of God, the renowned Christian healer. I came to Brazil to experience his work and connect more deeply with Source.
Modern life presents us with quite a challenge to stay connected with our innermost self. If I’m not aware and attentive, a few months of long hours a day at work can leave me feeling out of sync and disconnected from Nature. The constant electronic and cyber interfaces pull me out of the natural realm, and I must be intentional about spending time outdoors to replenish and restore my vital energy.
Life in this small South American village reveals a whole different pace and way of life. Dirt roads, a sparse automobile here and there, a pay phone that I have to walk ten minutes to find. Children and dogs playing in the street. Roosters crowing at dawn. People riding their rickety old bikes into the village in the morning to get to work. Life here is slow and lazy. One woman sweeps out her shop and chats with a neighbor. Everything slows down as the sun crosses high overhead. Work horses pull carts full of bricks and boards or freely stroll the streets alongside their human friends, stopping to nibble the grass or wander into an nearby field. At 5 in the afternoon, everyone stops to sit on the front stoop and chat their way through the long soft evening. These people spend their evenings mesmerized by the sunset and the moonrise rather than the TV.
As I fall into this rhythm, every cell in my body seems to slow down. My meditations deepen, as does my breathing. I sleep as soundly as I have in a decade. I realize how little I really need: a few pieces of clothing, a small shard of soap, a pair of sandals, a prayer book.
With a little effort, we can achieve this same state of peace in the middle of a hectic city. Take a moment right now to take a deep breath and look out the window at the sky. Feel your feet on the floor and imagine that they are rooted in the warm, soft earth beneath you. Take a few moments later today and go out into your yard or a nearby park. Stand with your bare feet on the ground and simply admire the beauty of nature. Do a few stretches and feel how your own body fits into Nature with seamless perfection. Take a moment and chat with your neighbors or smile and greet a passerby.
We tend to lose touch with our natural rhythms when life requires a fast and furious pace. Something as simple as noticing the feel of the air or the sound of a bird’s call can help you get back in sync. Once in a while, we would all do well to give ourselves the gift of a weekend away. So go ahead–visit a small town or take a camping trip and slow your life down. You will be delighted with the benefits.
April 5, 2007
Loneliness and isolation seem almost endemic in the electronic age. We e-mail our friends for the sake of expedience instead of calling them on the phone. We send a text message to our children to find out when to expect them home. We settle for voicemail when we can’t reach a colleague or associate; why, we can even plan an entire client presentation without ever looking in our business partner’s eye. But at what price do we rely on all this electronic wizardry? What are we missing when we do what is expedient rather than what makes a real connection with another by putting us in verbal if not visual and physical contact?
Actual contact with another living, breathing being is known to heal. A pair of premature twins was placed in separate incubators, much to the chagrin of one highly intuitive nurse. One of the twins was not expected to survive. The nurse broke hospital rules and placed the babies side by side in one incubator. The healthier of the two preemies threw an arm over the other. Shortly thereafter, the smaller infant’s heart rate stabilized and her temperature rose to normal.
At the most basic level, we are designed to fall into synch or resonance with another. Some half century ago, a biology student extracted a cell from a live rodent’s heart and put it in solution to view it through a microscope. The single cell pulsed for a while and then fibrillated before it expired. Then two live heart cells were put on the slide and once one began to fibrillate they were moved closer together. The death spasm ceased and the two cells began pulsing together like a microscopic heart.
If your twin or matching heart cell is not around, a dog will do. Research has shown conclusively that pet ownership has many health benefits, from lowered blood pressure and increased immunity to helping troubled teens learn basic empathy. Dog owners live longer, and fare better after heart surgery. Pets love us no matter what. They provide companionship and unconditional love. In one study, having a pet affected patients’ survival rates even more than having a spouse or friends. Pet owners are known to have fewer visits to the doctor. Owning a pet can relieve loneliness, fight depression, and help us cope with stress.
Some old wives tales and common sayings turn out to be scientifically verifiable and based on fact: two really is better than one, and dog really is a man or woman’s best friend.
November 16, 2006
I recently had an opportunity to see the documentary Deliver Us From Evil. This chilling film chronicles the story of Father Oliver O’Grady, the notorious pedophile priest who sexually abused children, including a 9-month-old baby, in a string of towns in Northern California in the ‘70s and ‘80s. Each time complaints were raised to his superiors in Los Angeles, the bishops of the Archdiocese would simply move Fr. Ollie to another parish 50 miles or so away. Finally, in the 1990s, complaints were made to the local authorities and Fr. Ollie was arrested, convicted, and imprisoned. Upon his release seven years later, he returned to his native Ireland where he lives unsupervised and in contact with small children.
What might surprise some is the fact that Father Ollie actually went to his superiors a number of times, asking them to help him with his “problem,” but shockingly, they disregarded his pleas for help and simply moved him to another parish. In the documentary, he seems to be enjoying the attention he’s getting by being interviewed on camera. He doesn’t seem to be fully aware of what he had done. The interviews show just how disassociated he really was from his own behavior; a victim of sexual abuse himself, both by his own family and by priests during his childhood, he convinced himself his actions of rape were simply being affectionate.
Filmmaker Amy Berg does a masterful job of documenting this excruciating topic. It’s clear from reading interviews with her that this documentary was difficult for her to make, but she felt the story had to be brought to light. Berg talked to O’Grady as well as to the victims and parents of victims in a series of interviews that are at times painful to watch. She also interviewed one courageous priest who dared to disagree with his superiors and travels far and wide in his efforts to shed light on this prevalent problem and bring healing to victims.
Most shocking of all is the footage of Cardinal Roger Mahony testifying about the O’Grady scandal. Mahony is accused of knowing that O’Grady was a pedophile as early as l984, when he was his bishop, but promised police he would be removed from contact with any children. Instead, O’Grady was reassigned to a parish 50 miles away. Shortly after that, Mahony was promoted to archbishop of Los Angeles, the largest Catholic diocese in the country. In the film, O’Grady states that “Mahony was very supportive and very compassionate and another situation was smoothly handled.” Mahoney denies ever knowing that O¹Grady was a pedophile.
Cardinal Mahony, the most important figure in the Catholic hierarchy in the US today, does not exhibit the kind of truthfulness or compassion one would expect from a high religious authority; instead, visibly shaken, he continued to cover up O’Grady’s crimes, giving inconsistent answers and stonewalling the attorneys representing the victims. (More significant still is the fact that Mahony is now the focus of ongoing investigations in a number of other similar cases.)
As someone who was abused by a Catholic priest, I know that for this problem to be healed, the truth must be told, no matter how soul-wrenching it may be. The Catholic Church has to remember that its primary responsibility is to the congregation—it’s nothing without its members—and the members, as well as the rest of the world, deserve to know the truth. I applaud the courage of all those who were willing to participate in this documentary and lend their faces and voices to this crucial issue.
I urge you to see this powerful and revealing film.
Nov. 2, 2006
I live a fairly discreet and quiet life with my husband, dogs and horses in a rural part of Malibu, CA. “Rural Malibu” may seem like an oxymoron but there really is such a place. I go about my business like a normal person, with little fanfare, and I do not seek out fame or celebrity. So when I visited the horse stables recently, I was very much taken aback to be greeted with an outpouring of excited acknowledgement and admiration from the regulars, who generally just nod politely.
They had just read the latest issue of W Magazine, in which Kevin West, the editor, writes about me and my work. The article,“Healing, Hollywood Style,” is an entertaining piece on the popular health and wellness practices today¹s celebrities have embraced. The article is positive, well crafted and Kevin is enthusiastic about his healing experiences. Who would have thought that a trendy pop-culture magazine such as W would delve into the world of healing?
Kevin went on a year-long spiritual and healing journey seeking treatments from a variety of practitioners. He attended one of my free, public access events and was intrigued; the next day he called for an appointment. Later, I met with him in a private session that he calls the “strangest, most exciting hour” that he had in his exploration of alternative medicine.
I would encourage you to pick up a copy of the November issue of W Magazine. The article is a straightforward, honest account of one man’s search through the often confusing world of alternative medicine.
When magazines famous for showing the latest Gucci fashions become open to alternative medicine, it is a potent sign that all people are interested in, and in need of healing. No matter who we are or what sort of lives we lead, we all seek answers to the questions that trouble us.
In my work I have encountered a wide variety of people; some are more skeptical than others, but in all cases I have been impressed by people’s willingness to simply try and be open to the spiritual world. It may be easier to stay in our safe and protected bubble, but often it¹s when we push through our comfort zone and try something new that the truly extraordinary occurs.
Consider trying something outside your comfort range today.
