Category : Trauma and Violence
OMAHA SHOPPING CENTER SHOOTING
Omaha Shopping Center Shooting
December 10, 2007
Witnessing violence in person or on TV, like the shooting that occurred this week at an Omaha shopping center, can wreak havoc with our bodies. Typical initial reactions are feelings of not really being here, feeling disbelief, floating or spacey or detached. These are feelings of shock. It’s very important to actively work our way out of shocking incidents, even if we only saw it on television; otherwise, it can cause us trouble later. Post traumatic stress syndrome, suffered by so many Vietnam and Iraqi vets and by so many after 9/11, is the medical term for what can happen when we store trauma in our bodies.
I would worry about post traumatic stress symptoms for anyone exposed to this kind of trauma. They can show up weeks, even months, after we’ve been exposed to violence. Be on the lookout if you develop phobias or insomnia or digestive disorders or substance abuse. These are all indications that we haven’t yet successfully processed the violence out of our bodies.
It’s really important that we address trauma as soon as possible. Witnessing violence, whether in person or on television, can cause anxiety, phobias, sleeplessness, and even a sense of not really “being here.” It can negatively affect immune function and bone health, and is a causative factor in rectal and colon cancer.
In order to counteract the negative effects of such an event, of primary importance is to simply talk about what happened and how it makes you feel. In addition, the simple practice of coming into the present can help the parasympathetic nervous system take over to manage anxiety and help us cope.
Then go out and spend some time in nature. Watch the sunrise. Listen to the birds. Sit on the grass and smell the scent of terra firma beneath you. This is not denial or avoidance; this is re-grounding. Take a few deep breaths and connect to your feet, then work up to your calves and your knees, then up to your stomach, chest, throat, and finally the top of your head. Acknowledge the feelings in your body and, when you are ready, say to yourself: I want to be here now.
All of us face tragedy at times in our lives. When a tragedy of this magnitude occurs, a shock wave travels throughout the collective mind: it can happen anywhere at anytime. Our shared helplessness at that exposure can draw us together. Talk about what it means to go on, console each other. Compassion and care will, over time, allow the rest of us to go on.
Did Drew Peterson Do It?
Did Drew Peterson do it?
December 3, 2007
Did Drew Peterson kill his fourth wife, Stacy? That’s the question on everyone’s minds today. The family members of his missing wife certainly think so. A key witness and relative of Drew’s told a friend that he helped move a barrel that was warm to the touch from Peterson’s bedroom to an SUV. Two days later that relative was so distressed he tried to commit suicide.
Is Drew Peterson a sociopath? He certainly exhibits many characteristics. He doesn’t seem to be upset about his wife’s disappearance. When interviewed by Matt Lauer on the Today show, he looked indifferent, arrogant, almost bored. For a man who had a history of following his wife everywhere she went and checking up on her constantly, he has no evidence or information about the alleged boyfriend he claims she had.
The typical sociopath has enough superficial charm to attract people to them. They’re inclined to be manipulative and cunning, have a sense of entitlement, lie easily, lack remorse, are callous, not concerned about wrecking the lives of others, and exercise unreasonable control over others. Think O.J. Simpson—a classic example of sociopathic behavior and a dead wife.
Drew’s been married four times, so clearly he has enough charm to initially attract women. Stacy and a former girlfriend both reported that he was very, very controlling—following them everywhere. The mysterious drowning death of his third wife is now being investigated. Perhaps it wasn’t an accident. The media who follow Drew and the interviews he has given show a man who seems to have a disconnect between what he claims and reality.
How can we avoid hooking up with a sociopath? Any time you meet someone who has these characteristics, run, don’t walk, in the other direction. Women especially need to be very careful to avoid men who are both charmers and liars, who don’t seem to care about your welfare, and, most dangerous of all, want to control you. Ladies, it starts small: they tell you you can’t talk to your friends on the phone or see your family. If any man ever does that to you, leave immediately and don’t come back, ever!
THE CHOKING GAME
The Choking Game
November 15, 2007
Why are kids engaged in the choking “game?”
It’s natural for teenagers to want to court danger; it’s how they get ready to move from childhood to adulthood. Even just a hundred years ago, there would have been opportunities for 15-year-olds to prove they were adults by killing a wild animal or doing tricks off a horse or going west. Today’s kids have very limited choices: they can drive too fast, do drugs and alcohol, or, more recently, participate in the choking game. Whether they do it to one another or alone, it’s a really dangerous activity, and hardly a game. Any time you deprive your brain of oxygen, it starts to die, and can result in a stroke, seizure, or even death. Recent statistics show nearly a 1,000 deaths a year from this deadly “game.”
So why do kids do it? Is there something addictive about the game?
Yes. It produces both euphoric and erotic feelings. And when you’re unconscious, you can’t protect yourself from abusive behavior; that’s what happened to this poor girl. The message she mistakenly sent to her boyfriend and his friends was that she didn’t respect her own body, so why should they?
What can parents do?
Since our brains develop last, well after our bodies, teens often don’t have the mental capacity to appreciate danger, so parents need to point out it out, even to their strapping 6-foot sixteen year olds. Just as you would warn your children about the dangers of driving too fast or drinking and driving, you will also want to warn them about the dangers of this crazy practice. And watch out for warning signs: bloodshot eyes, marks on the neck, headaches, or ropes or cords in unusual places.
Knowledge and safety go hand in hand.
Oprah School Scandal
November 5, 2007
Children feel three main emotions when they are abused:
1. Fear that they will be hurt or humiliated or blamed.
2. Anger that they are like prey, helpless and powerless.
3. Shame because they are sure it’s their fault. When anything goes wrong, kids blame themselves.
One out of every three girls will have been sexually abused before the age of 18 in the US; worldwide, the figures are even higher. The fact that it happened at this school, whose founder, Oprah Winfrey, stands for the welfare of girls and women around the world and whose very purpose in opening the school was to provide a protective and caring environment for girls, shows just how pervasive this problem is.
What I’ve learned from working with thousands of abuse victims is that abuse destroys children’s basic sense of place and safety in the world, especially when it’s inflicted by our own family or caregivers. If not treated, it tends to show up later as illness and addiction. The key is treatment to remove the fear, anger, and shame that come with abuse. There are therapies that address this problem and can undo the damage—the sooner the better. It will be crucial to involve the parents so that the children don’t feel they have a terrible secret they have to keep.
MARY WINKLER AND POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME
Mary Winkler and Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome
September 10, 2007
Mary Winkler shot her minister husband, Matthew, in Selmer, Alabama, in the back and killed him after 10 years of abuse. The final straw, according to Mary, was when he put his hands over their one-year-old baby’s nose and mouth in an effort to stop her crying. Mary “snapped,” got out of a closet the shotgun that he had threatened her with in the past and pointed it at him,“so she could talk to him.” Then she heard a “big boom.” He collapsed to the floor and bled to death within a few minutes.
Charged with first-degree murder, Mary was convicted in April of voluntary manslaughter, and was released from prison in August. She spent her last two months in custody in a mental health facility where she was treated for post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. All told, she spent seven months in custody. Her three children (8, 6, and 1 year old) were placed in the custody of her husband’s parents, who are now trying to get permanent custody of the children. Mary is also trying to get custody. Her ex in-laws have sued her in the civil courts for $2M in connection with the death of their son.
Mary was obviously the victim of serious emotional and physical abuse. Her father reported years before seeing her face bruised, despite heavy make-up she used to cover her injuries. Mary testified at trial that her married life was living hell: she couldn’t do anything right and was terrified of her husband. She also testified that he insisted that she dress up as a hooker in the bedroom and forced her to have oral and anal sex, which she felt were unnatural. He often threatened her life.
Oprah interviewed Mary recently, and that interview showed she has all the marks of someone with post-traumatic stress syndrome. She seems “flat” and almost emotionless. She is unable to look at the interviewer or the camera, which evidences all the shame she carries for never being able to measure up to her husband’s increasingly unreasonable demands. During the interview, she repeatedly blamed herself for her husband’s problems and says she hasn’t suffered enough. This is classic behavior for someone heavily abused: the victim thinks it must be all their fault.
Like so many wives of men in public positions, Mary tried to keep the abuse a secret. She was overworked, lonely, and had nowhere to turn—a situation likely to become explosive.
Women can learn much from Mary’s situation. If you feel afraid for your own safety or that of your children, don’t wait! Get help immediately. It’s like the frog that sits in water that gets progressively hotter until it dies; lots of times we don’t realize just how miserable and unsafe we really are while the heat gets turned up a little each day. Mary said to Oprah,“I’m a different woman now. I speak up more.” We can learn that lesson from her!
Can Mary get her children back? It will be up to the Tennessee judge, but she should. Her conviction of manslaughter in no way infers an inability to be a good mother to her children. Her children need her.
MINNESOTA BRIDGE COLLAPSE – HOW TO HANDLE GRIEF/LOSS
MINNESOTA BRIDGE COLLAPSE – HOW TO HANDLE GRIEF/LOSS
August 2, 2007
Grief is a normal process that results when we experience grief and loss, like those who lost friends or loved ones in the horrific bridge collapse.
We will all experience loss during our lifetimes. Even little children experience loss, for example when a pet dies or a best friend moves away. If we don’t allow ourselves to grieve, we trap that emotion inside our body where it can do damage to us later, making us feel angry, sad, depressed, and ultimately, sick.
The people of Minnesota are setting a great example for the rest of the country in the way they are responding as they gather together, both formally and informally, and talk about their feelings. The City is doing a great job of hosting a more formal group that thousands can attend. This allows all those present, plus all of us watching on TV, to feel a sense of connection to one another, which is the best way to go through grief.
If we can also incorporate some physical movement, even something as simple as rocking in a chair or a swing, or gentle walking, that will help us move through our own grief, so that we will be able again to feel joy once the time for grieving has passed.
VIRGINIA TECH – HOW TO HANDLE TRAUMA
Virginia Tech – How to handle trauma
April 19, 2007
Witnessing violence, like the students at Virginia Tech did this week, can wreak havoc with our bodies. Typical initial reactions are feelings of not really being here, feeling disbelief, floating or spacey or detached. These are feelings of shock. It’s very important to actively work our way out of shocking incidents, even if we only saw it on television; otherwise, it can cause us trouble later. Post traumatic stress syndrome, suffered by so many Vietnam and Iraqi vets, is the medical term for what can happen when we store trauma in our bodies.
There are 4 steps you can take to alleviate the effects when you’ve been exposed to violence:
(1) Talk about it. That actually releases the stored violence from the body.
(2) Touch your own body or have someone else give you gentle, reassuring touch. The violence is surreal, and feeling our own bodies helps us reconnect to reality again and to realize that we are safe.
(3) Connect with nature, like sit on your lawn or pet your dog. This reconnects us back to our bodies, which we sort of leave when we are frightened.
(4) Say to yourself,I want to be here now. This counters our unconscious desire to leave our bodies when we are faced with danger. When we are not in our bodies, we are at risk for accident and disease.
I would worry about post traumatic stress symptoms showing up for the Virginia Tech students when they go back home in three weeks. While they’re still at school and connected to one another, they’ll probably be okay. It’s after they get home that they may experience phobias or insomnia or digestive disorders or substance abuse. These are all indications that they haven’t yet successfully processed the violence out of their bodies. It’s really important that they address the trauma they took in as soon as possible.
MINDSET OF THE VIRGINIA TECH SHOOTER
Mindset of the Virginia Tech shooter
April 18, 2007
What was going through his head? What drives a person to commit this kind of mass murder? What did his writings reveal about his personality?
Were the shooter’s actions triggered by just one traumatic event or did he suffer several traumatic events that he internalized, which over time lead to this blowout?
The shooter most likely had been through some kind of major trauma or loss during his life and, instead of dealing with the trauma in healthy way, he stored his own hurt, pain, and loss as bitterness and rage and plotted revenge on anyone and/or everyone. His writings reflected an obsession with violence, which indicated that he relished the idea of shocking and repulsing people.
When someone has been through trauma, they feel an overwhelming sense of helplessness and they can strike back to regain power and control. The shooter had perceived the world as unfair and he was determined to have power over the world he believed had injured him.
By students reports, he was a loner; he had detached himself from any positive social contact. Instead, he was absorbed in his fantasies and plans for revenge.
COMMENTS ON TO CATCH A PREDATOR
Comments on To Catch a Predator
March 15, 2007
Replays from “To Catch a Predator” are everywhere on the news today, no doubt due to the fact that its creator, Chris Hanson, launched his book,To Catch a Predator: Protecting Your Kids from Online Enemies Already in Your Home, this week.
Does his sting operation deter child predators?
My professional experience would lead me to say “no.” I’ve worked extensively in my private practice with both victims and perpetrators of child sexual abuse. Perpetrators often feel a compelling urge to engage in this activity, for reasons they can’t fathom. Fear of being caught simply isn’t a strong enough deterrent. The sad fact is that almost inevitably perpetrators were similarly abused themselves, but have no memory of it, and, unconsciously, they feel compelled to recreate it.
The solution is openness and education: our society needs to be able to address it frankly. It is still not acceptable conversation in most circles. All of us, and especially parents and children, need to be able to discuss it freely. Children need to know that the most likely predator is a family member. The more light that is brought to the subject, the more it is removed from darkness, the faster we can eliminate this tendency from our cellular memory, from our collective unconscious.
Worse,To Catch a Predator teaches values that are dead wrong: we are encouraged to enjoy watching the entrapment of human beings, wrong as their actions are. The creator seems to take particular pleasure in watching his quarry squirm, which teaches us all to tolerate, even enjoy, the pain and agony of others.
The logical next step has already occurred: it is being reproduced and parodied on YouTube.
Any good that is accomplished by To Catch a Predator is overshadowed by its tendency to make the perpetrator more desperate and drive his/her activities more deeply underground and make the rest of us numb to the afflictions of others.make the perpetrator more desperate and drive his/her activities more deeply underground and make the rest of us numb to the afflictions of others.
“Deliver Us From Evil”
November 16, 2006
I recently had an opportunity to see the documentary Deliver Us From Evil. This chilling film chronicles the story of Father Oliver O’Grady, the notorious pedophile priest who sexually abused children, including a 9-month-old baby, in a string of towns in Northern California in the ‘70s and ‘80s. Each time complaints were raised to his superiors in Los Angeles, the bishops of the Archdiocese would simply move Fr. Ollie to another parish 50 miles or so away. Finally, in the 1990s, complaints were made to the local authorities and Fr. Ollie was arrested, convicted, and imprisoned. Upon his release seven years later, he returned to his native Ireland where he lives unsupervised and in contact with small children.
What might surprise some is the fact that Father Ollie actually went to his superiors a number of times, asking them to help him with his “problem,” but shockingly, they disregarded his pleas for help and simply moved him to another parish. In the documentary, he seems to be enjoying the attention he’s getting by being interviewed on camera. He doesn’t seem to be fully aware of what he had done. The interviews show just how disassociated he really was from his own behavior; a victim of sexual abuse himself, both by his own family and by priests during his childhood, he convinced himself his actions of rape were simply being affectionate.
Filmmaker Amy Berg does a masterful job of documenting this excruciating topic. It’s clear from reading interviews with her that this documentary was difficult for her to make, but she felt the story had to be brought to light. Berg talked to O’Grady as well as to the victims and parents of victims in a series of interviews that are at times painful to watch. She also interviewed one courageous priest who dared to disagree with his superiors and travels far and wide in his efforts to shed light on this prevalent problem and bring healing to victims.
Most shocking of all is the footage of Cardinal Roger Mahony testifying about the O’Grady scandal. Mahony is accused of knowing that O’Grady was a pedophile as early as l984, when he was his bishop, but promised police he would be removed from contact with any children. Instead, O’Grady was reassigned to a parish 50 miles away. Shortly after that, Mahony was promoted to archbishop of Los Angeles, the largest Catholic diocese in the country. In the film, O’Grady states that “Mahony was very supportive and very compassionate and another situation was smoothly handled.” Mahoney denies ever knowing that O¹Grady was a pedophile.
Cardinal Mahony, the most important figure in the Catholic hierarchy in the US today, does not exhibit the kind of truthfulness or compassion one would expect from a high religious authority; instead, visibly shaken, he continued to cover up O’Grady’s crimes, giving inconsistent answers and stonewalling the attorneys representing the victims. (More significant still is the fact that Mahony is now the focus of ongoing investigations in a number of other similar cases.)
As someone who was abused by a Catholic priest, I know that for this problem to be healed, the truth must be told, no matter how soul-wrenching it may be. The Catholic Church has to remember that its primary responsibility is to the congregation—it’s nothing without its members—and the members, as well as the rest of the world, deserve to know the truth. I applaud the courage of all those who were willing to participate in this documentary and lend their faces and voices to this crucial issue.
I urge you to see this powerful and revealing film.