It takes courage to speak out about incest, but talking about it is a major component of healing from the trauma of abuse. It’s bottling up the secret that keeps a victim feeling “dirty,” and filled with guilt and shame. Yesterday, Oprah had a follow-up show to her interview with Mackenzie Phillips that featured more brave souls who shared their experiences of incest—women who had been afraid to speak out until Mackenzie opened the door for them.

One of the guests was Kathryn Harrison, who had written a book about her 4-year incestuous “affair” with her father, called The Kiss. When it was first written, over a decade ago, no one believed her. As more people reveal their experiences, it will become safer for victims to open up about the traumas that shaped their lives.

Watching Oprah’s show, I was once again triggered to remember some of my past with my father. You can read about it on the Huffington Post.

I just finished writing a piece on Domestic Violence; you can read more about domestic violence abuse in the resources section. I get really triggered just writing about this topic. It seems like everywhere I turn, I find more cases of Domestic Violence, not less. Recently, we’ve been focused on MacKenzie Phillips and Roman Polanski – talk about violence. Last week, I worked with hundreds of individual women at ISpa, a high end conference for the spa industry, where one would NOT expect to find victims of violence. The first day, I worked with a lovely woman in an executive position who had been badly beaten by her boyfriend – he had broken her nose.  So don’t assume that you’re safe because your partner is college educated and has a job. Domestic Violence does not discriminate; it affects us all.

Please share your stories here. We can only be safe when we refuse to be silenced.

It looks more and more likely that actor David Carradine’s death was related to the risky sexual practice called auto-erotic asphyxiation, or AEA. It’s the grown-up version of what kids call the “choking game.” Carrdaine, who is best known for his recent role in the “Kill Bill” movies and the mid-’70s TV series “Kung Fu,” was found in his Bangkok hotel room with ropes tied around his neck, genitals, and wrists. His ex-wives confirm his penchant for dangerous forms of sex play. Read my blog about this on Psychology Today.

Why do women feel the necessity of standing by their man even when he’s proven himself to be not only untrustworthy, but even dangerous? We’ve watched Megan McAllister originally stand by Philip Markoff, Rihanna maybe/maybe not stand up for Chris Brown, Silda Spitzer stick to her marriage despite her husband’s way with call girls, Hillary Clinton stand by her man, and so many others. In this blog for the Huffington Post, I talk about the way women are unconsciously trained in patriarchal myths we may have thought were long since gone.

Stand by your man . . . no matter who he kills or beats up?

What exactly was Megan McAllister thinking when she said, “I love my fiancé and will continue to support him throughout this legal process”? Or more accurately, what was her state of denial as she watched officers retrieve the panties of Philip Markoff’s victims and the gun used to shoot one of them from the hollowed out “Grey’s Anatomy” book he kept under the bed they slept in? This was the “loving and caring person” who kept duct tape, plastic zip handcuffs, and a semiautomatic weapon in his home. Just how blind can love be? Read full post

How could Megan McAllister, the fiancée of the Craigslist Killer, Philip Markoff, possibly consider that he’s a “loving and caring person” after all the evidence against him? For that matter, what causes a lot of women to be blindsided by their men’s faults? Think of Rihanna going back to Chris Brown, or Silda Spitzer still standing by her man. Is it pure denial, or are there unconscious promptings at work here? It would be wise for us all to bring more awareness to the ingrained beliefs we carry that are a hand-me-down from old patriarchal ideals. They have not been wiped out by feminism and women’s rights. If you think you’re free of them, think again. Read my blog on the Huffington Post here.

Based on the scores of comments to my latest Huffington Post blog, it looks like I’ve opened up a real can of worms in the psyche of the American public by writing about my own experience being abused with a “foreign object,” and delving into the unthinkable area of what could be behind a pedophile’s horrific acts. I am always seeking to shed light in the dark corners. The more aware everyone is that these types of abuses are suffered by innocent children all over the world, and the more we become unafraid to admit what has happened in our own lives, the sooner we can put an end to this scourge of humanity.

There is so much confusion and wrong thinking– especially in a case like that of Melissa Huckaby, where a woman, a mom, allegedly sexually abuses a young girl. I hope this blog offers readers some insight into a dark and murky area.

Melissa Huckaby and the Unthinkable Sex Object

As horrifying as the murder of an 8-year-old is, the truly unimaginable aspect of the Melissa Huckaby case, for most people, is her alleged use of a foreign object to rape Sandra Cantu. How could a woman, a mom (!), do this to a little girl? How . . . why . . . with what kind of an object? It’s unfathomable, hard to think about, dark, evil. The only “safe” conclusion is that the woman must be insane. In fact, along with other experts, I doubt if Huckaby is insane. And as I know both from personal experience and from working with many abused women, rape with a foreign object is not as unusual as one would like to think.

I make no excuses for Melissa Huckaby nor for anyone who commits abuse.

Read the full Article at HuffingtonPost

Listen To Deborah King Discussing this case with Gill Gross on KGO NewsTalkRadio 810 AM San Francisco.

Additional comments from the discussion thread at the Huffington Post article:

I tried to make it clear that it’s been my professional experience, working with both those who have been abused and a few perpetrators, that the sort of thing that has been alleged in this case is rarely about sexual attraction per se, but is more about power. When a pedophile is acting unconsciously from his or her own experience of abuse, gender is often irrelevant.

…

I have actually worked with a few perpetrators. What I learned from them was how individual each one’s motives were and often how totally unconscious they were of them. As Bejugo noted, sometimes it’s about sex, sometimes it’s about power. My experience has been that it’s most often a combination of the two: that they had an early sexual experience that was titillating and that the urge to re-experience that feeling works in tandem with the need to overpower another.

Omaha Shopping Center Shooting

December 10, 2007

Witnessing violence in person or on TV, like the shooting that occurred this week at an Omaha shopping center, can wreak havoc with our bodies. Typical initial reactions are feelings of not really being here, feeling disbelief, floating or spacey or detached. These are feelings of shock. It’s very important to actively work our way out of shocking incidents, even if we only saw it on television; otherwise, it can cause us trouble later. Post traumatic stress syndrome, suffered by so many Vietnam and Iraqi vets and by so many after 9/11, is the medical term for what can happen when we store trauma in our bodies.

I would worry about post traumatic stress symptoms for anyone exposed to this kind of trauma. They can show up weeks, even months, after we’ve been exposed to violence. Be on the lookout if you develop phobias or insomnia or digestive disorders or substance abuse. These are all indications that we haven’t yet successfully processed the violence out of our bodies.

It’s really important that we address trauma as soon as possible. Witnessing violence, whether in person or on television, can cause anxiety, phobias, sleeplessness, and even a sense of not really “being here.” It can negatively affect immune function and bone health, and is a causative factor in rectal and colon cancer.

In order to counteract the negative effects of such an event, of primary importance is to simply talk about what happened and how it makes you feel. In addition, the simple practice of coming into the present can help the parasympathetic nervous system take over to manage anxiety and help us cope.

Then go out and spend some time in nature. Watch the sunrise. Listen to the birds. Sit on the grass and smell the scent of terra firma beneath you. This is not denial or avoidance; this is re-grounding. Take a few deep breaths and connect to your feet, then work up to your calves and your knees, then up to your stomach, chest, throat, and finally the top of your head. Acknowledge the feelings in your body and, when you are ready, say to yourself: I want to be here now.

All of us face tragedy at times in our lives. When a tragedy of this magnitude occurs, a shock wave travels throughout the collective mind: it can happen anywhere at anytime. Our shared helplessness at that exposure can draw us together. Talk about what it means to go on, console each other. Compassion and care will, over time, allow the rest of us to go on.

Did Drew Peterson do it?

December 3, 2007

Did Drew Peterson kill his fourth wife, Stacy? That’s the question on everyone’s minds today. The family members of his missing wife certainly think so. A key witness and relative of Drew’s told a friend that he helped move a barrel that was warm to the touch from Peterson’s bedroom to an SUV. Two days later that relative was so distressed he tried to commit suicide.

Is Drew Peterson a sociopath? He certainly exhibits many characteristics. He doesn’t seem to be upset about his wife’s disappearance. When interviewed by Matt Lauer on the Today show, he looked indifferent, arrogant, almost bored. For a man who had a history of following his wife everywhere she went and checking up on her constantly, he has no evidence or information about the alleged boyfriend he claims she had.

The typical sociopath has enough superficial charm to attract people to them. They’re inclined to be manipulative and cunning, have a sense of entitlement, lie easily, lack remorse, are callous, not concerned about wrecking the lives of others, and exercise unreasonable control over others. Think O.J. Simpson—a classic example of sociopathic behavior and a dead wife.

Drew’s been married four times, so clearly he has enough charm to initially attract women. Stacy and a former girlfriend both reported that he was very, very controlling—following them everywhere. The mysterious drowning death of his third wife is now being investigated. Perhaps it wasn’t an accident. The media who follow Drew and the interviews he has given show a man who seems to have a disconnect between what he claims and reality.

How can we avoid hooking up with a sociopath? Any time you meet someone who has these characteristics, run, don’t walk, in the other direction. Women especially need to be very careful to avoid men who are both charmers and liars, who don’t seem to care about your welfare, and, most dangerous of all, want to control you. Ladies, it starts small: they tell you you can’t talk to your friends on the phone or see your family. If any man ever does that to you, leave immediately and don’t come back, ever!

The Choking Game

November 15, 2007

Why are kids engaged in the choking “game?”

It’s natural for teenagers to want to court danger; it’s how they get ready to move from childhood to adulthood. Even just a hundred years ago, there would have been opportunities for 15-year-olds to prove they were adults by killing a wild animal or doing tricks off a horse or going west. Today’s kids have very limited choices: they can drive too fast, do drugs and alcohol, or, more recently, participate in the choking game. Whether they do it to one another or alone, it’s a really dangerous activity, and hardly a game. Any time you deprive your brain of oxygen, it starts to die, and can result in a stroke, seizure, or even death. Recent statistics show nearly a 1,000 deaths a year from this deadly “game.”

So why do kids do it? Is there something addictive about the game?

Yes. It produces both euphoric and erotic feelings. And when you’re unconscious, you can’t protect yourself from abusive behavior; that’s what happened to this poor girl. The message she mistakenly sent to her boyfriend and his friends was that she didn’t respect her own body, so why should they?

What can parents do?

Since our brains develop last, well after our bodies, teens often don’t have the mental capacity to appreciate danger, so parents need to point out it out, even to their strapping 6-foot sixteen year olds. Just as you would warn your children about the dangers of driving too fast or drinking and driving, you will also want to warn them about the dangers of this crazy practice. And watch out for warning signs: bloodshot eyes, marks on the neck, headaches, or ropes or cords in unusual places.

Knowledge and safety go hand in hand.

Oprah School Scandal

November 5, 2007

Children feel three main emotions when they are abused:

1. Fear that they will be hurt or humiliated or blamed.

2. Anger that they are like prey, helpless and powerless.

3. Shame because they are sure it’s their fault. When anything goes wrong, kids blame themselves.

One out of every three girls will have been sexually abused before the age of 18 in the US; worldwide, the figures are even higher. The fact that it happened at this school, whose founder, Oprah Winfrey, stands for the welfare of girls and women around the world and whose very purpose in opening the school was to provide a protective and caring environment for girls, shows just how pervasive this problem is.

What I’ve learned from working with thousands of abuse victims is that abuse destroys children’s basic sense of place and safety in the world, especially when it’s inflicted by our own family or caregivers. If not treated, it tends to show up later as illness and addiction. The key is treatment to remove the fear, anger, and shame that come with abuse. There are therapies that address this problem and can undo the damage—the sooner the better. It will be crucial to involve the parents so that the children don’t feel they have a terrible secret they have to keep.